Dr. Chris Thurber on How to Use Positive Pressure with Your Teens

Welcome to Great Dad Talks with guest Dr. Chris Thurber, where we dive deep into the dynamics of modern parenting and explore the art of balancing pressure with praise. Join us as we explore how to foster open, nonjudgmental conversations with your kids, understand the balance between helicopter parenting and neglect, and ensure that feedback from children informs better parenting decisions.

In this episode, you will be able to:

1. Learn how to effectively mix hard and soft power in parenting.
2. Discover the importance of empathy and talking about emotions with your children.
3. Understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy pressure, focusing on effort and interests.
4. Gain tips for nonjudgmental conversations and obtaining feedback from your children.
5. Learn to adjust your parenting approach as your child evolves over time.

Hello, everyone! Paul Banas here, your host of Great Dad Talks, back with another insightful episode. This week I had the pleasure of chatting with Chris Thurber, a PhD psychologist and co-author of “The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure.” Our conversation revolved around the nuanced aspects of parenting, focusing on the balance between pressure and praise, and fostering emotional intelligence in our children. Here are some key takeaways from our talk:

Hard Power vs. Soft Power in Parenting

One major theme we touched on was the use of hard power versus soft power in relationships.

• Hard Power: This involves more assertive and authoritative methods, where direct control and correction are emphasized.
• Soft Power: It focuses on empathy, understanding, and influence through positive reinforcement.

Chris believes that striking a balance between these powers is crucial. “It’s important to blend pressure with praise effectively,” he stated, emphasizing how indispensable empathy is in this equation.

Praise Effort, Not Just Results

One of the golden nuggets from our discussion was the importance of acknowledging and praising a child’s perseverance rather than just their end results. Chris used a compelling analogy:

“Instead of giving flowers only when the child performs perfectly at a violin recital, we should praise their resilience and effort in preparation.”

This approach nurtures a growth mindset and helps children understand the value of their effort irrespective of outcomes.

Developing Emotional Intelligence: Talk About Feelings

We also explored the necessity of engaging in conversations about emotions:

• Foster Empathy: Encourage kids to think about others’ thoughts and feelings.
• Talk About Emotions: Open dialogues about emotions with your children to build their emotional intelligence.
• Understand and Acknowledge: It’s vital to comprehend and validate emotions within the family setting.

Chris emphasized, “The ability to understand and articulate emotions forms the foundation of a healthy relationship.”

The Evolving Nature of Parenting

Parenting is not static; it evolves as our children grow. During our discussion, Chris highlighted:

• Adaptable Parenting: The need to be adaptable and meet children where they are.
• Seek Feedback: Continuously obtain feedback from your kids to make informed parenting decisions.
• Balance of Encouragement: Encourage children’s activities without undue pressure.

“Parents should be the buffer against unhealthy cultural pressures,” Chris noted. “Open conversations about these pressures are essential.”

Practical Key Advice for Dads

Here are some actionable pieces of advice from our episode:

• Praise effort rather than outcomes.
• Engage in empathetic conversations about feelings.
• Encourage children to articulate their thoughts and feelings.
• Give kids an age-appropriate amount of agency in decision-making.
• Use humor and acknowledge mistakes openly.
• Avoid pressuring children based on our unfulfilled wishes.

The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure

Chris’s book, “The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure,” co-authored with Dr. Hank Weisinger, delves deeper into these concepts. It aims to broaden the definition of success and guide parents in recognizing the line between healthy and unhealthy pressure.

As we wrapped up, we invited fathers to join the ongoing dialogue about modern parenting. Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. Feel free to head over to our website, greatdad.com, especially if you’re transitioning to an empty nester stage, and share your insights or ask questions.