“Teens Don’t Like Adults” Myth
As a father of two teenage daughters (15 and 17) I have continually heard the comment that goes something along the lines of “Whoa, that’s a tough age. I guess you’ll get to talk to them again in six years!”
I have also run into numerous dads (moms too) that say, “Yeah, my kids don’t even want to be around me these days. They are so into their friends.”
The first comment is a myth. The second is a cop out.
Granted, teenagers want their independence, but they still want their parents in their lives. More on this later.
What I believe happens is that parents get intimidated and busy and stop taking the time to ask children simple, conversational questions about their lives.
Nothing can be more intimidating than walking into a room of seven teenagers talking about music or anything, and feeling completely outnumbered, out-cultured, and out of sorts. It is easier to walk away than say, “What’s going on?” It is easier to walk away than ask that new pimply-faced boy you haven’t seen before, “Where do you go to school? “How are the grades going? Where did you go to middle school?” This starts the dialogue. Walk into the teenage fray we must. Take a deep breath, walk in, and ask away!
Let’s face it: we parents are human beings too. And half the time these kid’s parents have stopped talking to them and their teachers are basically time police. You may be the first adult who has asked them a considered question in the last month. People, even teenagers, love to talk about themselves. So if you give them half a chance they will. You can become an oasis of freedom to talk about themselves. This goes for your own children as well. It doesn’t have to be an interrogation. Just a question about school, about a friend, about music. You don’t have to be cool or “in the know.” “Who is that group? Are they popular?” You don’t have to know that Eminem is back with Kim. The key, I believe, is to not give up on the initial push back – or non-push back in the case of teenagers. They won’t be forthcoming. They won’t answer. They may shrug and say “Oh, nothing.” But believe me they want to talk. They are dying to talk. Even if they don’t.
Some how to’s:
- Be the house they can come to. Let kids gather at your house. Anytime.
- Food. Have lots of food. Kids (especially boys) love food. Don’t take, “I’m not hungry,” for an answer. Teenagers are always hungry. Food is the lubricant for talk.
- Don’t be judgmental. I am not saying to let them have drugs in your house. But don’t let the disapproval of a little tattoo or funky hair on your kids friends show on your face.
- In and out. Don’t hover. Come in, ask a few questions. Then get out. Let them breath.
- Rules are OK. I like to keep them reciprocal. I respect you. You respect me is my favorite. I don’t talk to you that way, you don’t talk to me that way.
One last word on kids wanting you in their lives: Have you ever met a thirty year old that said, “I sure wish my parents hadn’t been in my life when I was a teenager.” I haven’t. Mostly we hear the opposite. Kids might be confused, they might even be angry. They may even be embarrassed by you – but then again everyone’s parents are an embarrassment. But, you are like the old best friend that you haven’t seen in ten years. Even though they would never tell you, your kids want to see you and most importantly, talk to you.
“Teens Don’t Like Adults” is a Myth. Don’t buy into it.
With my oldest hitting 14, she’s now someone I can talk to as a pseudo-adult. There’s more of a mother-daughter war going on… I’m still able to talk to her and vice versa.
I second the “food is the lubricant” — especially special food that no one else in the house knows about yet.
I’d also add sports as an opportunity to stay involved in their lives. Not just watching the actual games, but during the drives to and from games and practices. It also gives you an opportunity to discuss important issues like sportsmanship and how your child should deal with people (opponents, teammates, coaches) they don’t like.
One last point: lots of teens really would appreciate having a voice of sanity, a voice of reason, a voice of experience that they can talk to about e.g. drinking or drugs. But you’ve already got to be talking to them…
well i spanish ,, and i gone talk about my second father who took care of my from my childhood to now even he is still in peru.. and my biologic father who never care about it,, is in new york ,,, well my second father naldo ,, was really patience about my moods and how i was during my adolescen untill now i am now 21 years old and,, i like to talk and spent time with him,, maybe is because none was with my during my childhood untill he came,, may shall is the why,,, and i feel very close to himm,, i like his job.. go to work with him,, when i go to peru for vacations,… i really miss my dad naldo,,, none like him…but i am still having alot of trouble with my adolecen ,,and he still loving me like nothing happens ,,, thats a real dad,,, i hope the distance do not let separed or broken our relationship,,
I can talk to my parents really well (I’m 17). The reason we get along so well is because they are receptive and non-judgemental. Also, I don’t fear them.
My boyfriend, however, can’t have a conversation with his mom. She is judgemental, harsh, and controlling. She yells at him everyday for silly things. Ex.- I saw him after school one day and asked if we could hang out. He said no, I’m grounded for a week. Why? She’d left a jar of peanut butter out on the counter and he hadn’t put it back for her. There were also a couple of soap smears on the bathroom floor left after he’d scrubbed it. And, when she screamed at him, he didn’t apologize. If you want us to talk to you, don’t be that crazy, controlling parent. We’d really rather love you.
My relationship with my daughter has been difficult from day one. Much time away in the early years due to my job in the Air Force. Also, her very close relationship with her grandmother. Not bad at first, but as she hit her teens, it grew steadily worse. I like to call it the “Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde Syndrome”. The same also with her mother. I will watch them both get into intense arguments, and should I attempt to mediate, both will join up and turn on me. Then, when I need to address problem issues with my daughter, my wife will openly side with her, or get in between us prior to our discussion and do what I call and “end run” around me. No matter what the issue. I also constantly hear, your not listening, you hear our words wrong, I didn’t say that, it’s not my fault, etc… All pointing to the fact that I have been fully and effectively neutralized as far as an authority figure in my own house. I’ve decided that my only course of action now is survival. If I don’t survive, the house goes, the lifestyle goes, the money goes… no bills get paid, no cell phones, no money for extra curricular activities, etc…
While on assignment in Iraq for 15 months, I allowed my family to handle the excessive funds I was getting paid for working there. After 10 months, I had only 72 cents in savings. And NOTHING to show for all my efforts to become debt free. In fact, my house didn’t look much different than when I left. And nothing was paid off as I had originally planned. When I took full control of all finances, I was accused of not listening, being impossible, etc. In fact, my daughter, wife, and mother-in-law all stated I wanted a divorce. Then when I got home un-announced, they scrambled to cover their tracks. I decided that if I were to salvage anything for my kids, it would take me being bigger than all this and take charge of the entire situation. Not well received though. Since being home, there is a relentless hammering away at what I’m trying to accomplish here. The thing is, I’m not giving in. I’m easy, don’t like my rules, move out…
I’m just at the point where I’m “retiring” from one of the best jobs: being an at home dad. If there is one item to pass on to parents of teenagers is: ask them questions. Their response to your questions is just below the surface. DON”T be put off by the brevity of their answers or the the dreaded shrug. Sometimes it takes a few short questions in a row to get them to realize that I’m seeking a response. Keep the questions simple at first and avoid the easy temptation to judge their answers. If they are to busy to answer at that time, ask a bit later. The sooner you get into the habit of asking questions the easier it will be as they will become comfortable with this process. Another tool I’ve discovered is to be available on the occasion that they have something on their mind. I know how difficult it can be, at times, to stop what you are doing to give them full attention including eye contact. They probably won’t acknowledge it to you but they will notice and be more likely to open up in the future. And yes, this advise absolutely applies to boys, I have one of each.
Now, if only someone can point me in the direction of a career as rewarding as being an at home dad.